*WHERE HAVE I BEEN*

Where have I been? I truly feel sad that I have let time go by without taking the time to write, my hobby, something that I truly enjoy and it is a great therapy for my mind and my inner self.

So many things has happened since I last wrote that I don't even know where to start, but I will write just what I feel in my heart now and let it flow....

It is amazing how we yes we get so involved with the world with life that we really forget *us*.. it is sad that time goes by so fast by being so involved in so many things that we forget ourselves... and that is *me*.

As I opened my Blog tonight and read what I have written so long ago and it makes me so sad that I didn't continue. At the time I had my reasons and it was so silly to let others influence me to stop. Why did I listen? Why do we let opinions from others change our minds of our goals and things that we want to accomplish for our own happiness. I have learned just not to long ago that it is time to start thinking about me, not in a selfish way but in a happy way... it is time to make me happy, to do the things that make me happy.

It seems that all my life I have given myself to others and I do not regret not a one that I have been there for.. but now I feel that I need to help myself so I can continue to help others.

All my life I have kept my life *my story* to myself only and never liked to share with anyone my feelings.. my fears... my joys... always in silence, but I think it is not a healthy thing to do, I think that for everything there is a time and I feel that my time to share has come.

In this past year I have lived so many things that has opened my eyes and has hurt my heart and soul of what reality is... not a good thing but I do have to get out of my cocoon and face it, this is the world and what I am learning or experiencing is what life is all about and it is time to learn to accept real life.

Life has not been easy for me ever since I was born and I kept it all to myself because it was better that way, it wouldn't hurt as much, and I don't like to have negative feeling in me for anyone. I truly believe that there is a God who will handle everything that has harmed me and I let Him, I just want to continue to live in peace and keep growing spiritually, but now with my eyes wide open and ready learn more of what this real world is all about. Pretty scary but ready to face it and continue to learn even if it hurts.

I love myself and I truly want to learn more so I can help others. To help others is what truly makes me happy ... !

I also feel and truly know that what ever I have lived, it all has a purpose and because of many experiences I have lived I have been able to help many and I feel what a blessing, I don't regret anything of what I have been through, much has been my own choices and others not but have been able to get up and continue my journey. It is good to be back!.....

Chiquitita...

*Precious MOMENTS...*

My *Precious MOMENTS...* I will say I don’t have that many but the ones I have are the most precious to me.
When I was a very small child and for many years I was very shy, very scared of everything and that kept me from learning and sharing what I really had in me to share with others and it stop me from growing like I wanted to grow and learn.
When I started on my second Private School I had a very special teacher her name is *Miss Carmen*... somehow she knew I was very shy and she knew what she needed to do to help me get out of my own little shell that I had put myself into to protect myself from getting hurt or from being afraid. She helped me with my gifts I had which I knew I had them but was to afraid to use them. She taught me to paint... to embroider... to sing... to cook... she also taught me History and to me History was so interesting and I loved it! And to DANCE... she help me find myself and help me to love myself and not to be afraid. I will call that one of my Precious times. *Feeling that I was someone*
I started to be very involved with Dancing... oh wow.. What a get away and it has been all through my life. I can express all what I feel inside dancing and was able to dance for many years and it helped me so much. Dancing is Heaven to me, I have been able to perform many times and teach and share what I knew with many and it helped me to get rid of the fear I had inside of me. Every dance I have danced all my life are *Precious MOMENTS*.. And I know I can take it with me forever, it is what I liked most and I can say I was blessed to be able to fulfilled this gift and even though I had to quit because of my illness I can say I had the chance to do it and I am so very grateful and they are my own
*Precious MOMENTS*
Leaving my country and starting a new life in the USA was a great big challenge but I am also grateful to a wonderful Instructor I had in my Church, a precious sister that taught me of how to be a Lady, and how to love myself and to know that there is a God who loves me just the way I am and that I could count on Him always and because of these teachings I have been able to confront all my ups and downs in my life and been able to keep my head up and know that God loves me with all my imperfections and to Love is the key to Eternity and happiness forever. Another *Precious MOMENT* in my life.
Another *Precious MOMENT*... being able to finish High School with a 3.9 after all the struggles I had to go through in learning a new language... I was so happy for myself for being able to accomplish such Honor.
Another *Precious MOMENT*
The *Precious MOMENTS* that I will call them as my most Precious..
My three precious children I have.
My only son and two daughters. The experience of being a Mother and being able to love them and thank God for letting me have them to teach and take care.
The Moments I have shared with them I will treasure forever and I will take those moments with me forever.
My most *Precious MOMENTS* in my life!
My next *Precious MOMENT* having the courage to learnt to become a Farmer after being a City girl all my life. I am so grateful I had the chance to learn so many things and from that time I spend in a Farm I learned so much on survival and learned to appreciate all I had.
Another *Precious MOMENT*
A pretty scary time for me... to prepare myself to become a Citizen of the United States.. Oh how afraid was I to learn all about the United States Government and all to become an *American Citizen*... wow it was a challenge a scary time in my life but very rewarding when I received my Certificate and finally feel completely part of this beautiful and precious Country!
Another *Precious MOMENT*
Starting a new life as a single Mother... what a challenge and yet very rewarding because I had my children to help me fight and really help me find myself and proof to myself that I could overcome whatever came.
My dream was to some day which at the time I set this goal would be never... to become a Manager of the Institution I started to work for... I even laugh when they had as write it on a paper what we wanted to become or accomplish while we work for them and I wrote laughing to myself *A Manager* and I remember I laugh... and said to myself *Yeah right*...
And after 10 years of work and with many fears... I did it. I was the first foreigner to become a Manager in this Institution... and to me it was ..
Another *Precious MOMENT*
I have been blessed with big *Precious MOMENTS* in my life...
The one I treasure and I have is *Love*... being able to find that precious *Love* and feel complete... I have that precious *Love* and because of that *Love* that only comes from God I have a full heart full of gratitude for being blessed with such
*Precious MOMENTS of pure Love*
The most precious ones are my Children and my grandchildren...
The moments that I have been able to share with them and all that I have learned from them, many moments that I could say they are only mine and that I can take with me *Forever*... I am in great gratitude to God for letting me have this most
Precious *MOMENTS*.
A jewel that money cannot buy and that only Love can bring.

*Having to GROW UP*

I remember when I was a very young girl I use to watch my Mama put her make up on and I would tell myself... oh how I wish I could do that? I would ask her can I try it? I want to look as pretty as you! .. And she would say... *to young yet* when you grow up you will have the chance to try it... I would just watch her and wish
Oh *when I grow up*
As the years went by my brother would be invited to parties and my older sister would be invited to dances and I would ask Mama can I go?
And she would say... no hijita (little daughter)
When you grow up you will have that chance.... Oh how I wished I was old enough to go dancing!
There were many times I would get the same answer...
*When you grow up!*
Then came the time to get my bags ready to fly away... to leave the country and go to school to the United States... Then I thought.. No! I don’t really want to go.. All my friends are here... my home... my Mama...
But the answer was this is the best for you... better opportunities.. better schools and better place to *GROW UP*. Then I thought I don’t want to grow up... I want to stay home and stay little... but that was not my choice and there I went. Left my Mama behind and went with my brother to a new country.. new language... new everything!
And then I had to *GROW UP!*
There were many circumstances in my life as I was growing up that I had to grow up and did not know how... I will say I was blessed with a very wonderful teacher whom I adore.. and still stay in contact with her and thank her for helping me through tough times... who helped me believe in myself... and a very good friend whom I still have, and I will call her my older sister... my best friend and someone who believed in me... and has always been there for me. Oh how blessed I was and still am to have them in my life.
Having to grow up at the age of 13 was not a bit easy, had to learn to choose for myself and now I could do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have my Mama to tell me *no or yes* so this is when I really had to grow up. At first I would try to blame everyone for my unhappy life and for having to move to a new country... yes even a country that spoke a language I didn’t like and while I lived in my country every summer I had to take summer school because I disliked the English language so much! Now I didn’t have anymore excuses of *I will never have to speak English!*... oh was I wrong..... I would never have to use it? Was I so wrong! And now I wish I would of paid more attention!
Life at first here in the USA was not a bit easy and it took me 3 years to finally realize that *I had to grow up* or I will have a miserable life the rest of my life.
Many times as I was growing up I could recall so clear when I watched my Mama put her make-up on and I would ask her, can I do that? *No* she would say... when you *GROW UP*...
If I would of known what took to be able to put that make up on!
I have learned through my growing years that to begin *Growing up* I must love myself first, and trust my inner spirit... to listen, to watch, and to learn the good of others.
I have learned so much from my good a bad choices, I have fallen many times but because of my love and trust to myself I have learned to get on my feet again and keep on going, yes keep on going with my head up and with a smile to reassure myself that I can do it.
Through all my mistakes I have grown up in a very fast pace which I wish it could of been different but it happened and it is the past and I did grow up from those experiences.
Many of us at our age we say *we are grown ups* but that does not mean we stop growing.. we never should stop growing because that is the way of learning.
Through all the experiences we go through life we grow and we can also contribute to help others. Many times I have said if they could just listen and do what I am telling them so they won’t get hurt! But that is not how life works... we must share what we know but we must make our own choices and from them we all learn and that is what we call *Growing up*
Through all the experiences I have gone through I could say I finally have grown up... but really there is no age or time when we stop *GROWING UP*... so this is good! We will stay young forever!
And if we do we will enjoy life till the end.
So I am still *Growing Up* but the only change now is that
I can put make-up on! and what a privilege!!

**IF I COULD ONLY…**

How many times through my life have I said this phrase…
*If I could ONLY*
I know I am not the only one that has done this many times, and at my age I have come to accept that I must let go .....
*If I could ONLY*.
As I look back into my life and start looking at it as if I have put a Video on and start with chapter one what I can recall of my memories,
I start pondering and wish ....
*If I could ONLY*.
I can recall things from when I was 2 almost 3 years old and to many it may be amazing but there are many reasons why I can recall those days.
I wish many times as I look back of how many times have I talked to God and ask Him
*If I could ONLY*...
I truly believe that before we came to this state to earth we were with HIM and He presented a plan for our lives and somehow I accepted to what I might have to go through while my stay here and it all depended on what I chose for me while I am here. I will say I am grateful that we do have our Free Agency to choose and I have come with the conclusion that many choices where wrong... many because of me and many because of the circumstances I lived in and there were many choices I had to do because there were no way out of them...
and I repeated to myself so many times ....
*If I could ONLY*
What it is stuck on my mind of my youth is recalling saying to myself
*If I could ONLY*
After the age of 17 I just decided to not look back anymore and just be happy and not waste my time wondering
*If I could ONLY*
It has been good... I decided that whatever I do with my life it is me who did it, it is me who made those decisions of now and whatever the consequences are they are mine... only I deserve the happiness and sadness. I decided that there is no one in the world that could make *ME* happy... that the only person that could do that is myself.
I also learned not to expect anything, that whatever comes or whatever I get is what I deserve and I do accept it with no regrets.
I have fallen many times... many times and thanks to someone that said to me *when you fall... get up! Clean those knees and keep on going*
Those falls are for your good and from them you will learn... very wise advise and it has help me so much!
So now... when the
*If I could ONLY*
wants to crepe over and take over I just say to myself *NO*...
Whatever happened .. It did and it is past....
Now is the time to live and truly enjoy life and
tomorrow will come and then I will live what is for tomorrow.
Life is to short!
I feel that by truly giving *LOVE* to anyone that crosses my way it is a JOY it is a healing process and when you *LOVE* and
not let the human in you take over, life is great and I am truly happy.
So now my saying is:
*If I could ONLY... *LOVE MORE..*
I truly know that if I can keep practicing this precious gift of Love I will be happy forever no matter what,
and I WILL!

*When is the right time...*

I have been pondering about this thought... *when is the right time?*... and as the years go by I am learning and realizing that the right time is when you make it happen. I have been alive for many years now and I will say that I am grateful that I believe in that precious *Star* that gave me hope.. and in Eternity that gives me hope that someday all will be explained to me or finally will understand the *why's* that I have never sat down and ponder on.... thanks to those tokens of *love* which I have in my heart I have been able to let many things that truly hurt me all through my life to let go and continue on... in my own path of life that I have chosen to live. I have truly learned so much all through my life and if I had to live it over I would choose to stay in *heaven* and just be an angel and help God, I know that I would of done so much better! I could never say I didn't have good parents because the Mother that I feel I chose to be my *Mother* has been an angel and a good teacher in many ways... and I also know that she did the best that she knew how and for that *I love her so*... and as growing up without a *Father* was very sad as I look back but when I finally got to meet him without taking more than a second I loved him! I could never judge him of why was he not in my life.. I just was grateful I had a *Father* and I knew that he also loved me with all his heart. It is amazing how we can make such horrible mistakes in our lives but who are we to judge anyone? I also was blessed with *Three* precious angels who chose me as their Mother... maybe many times wondering what they were thinking when they did and all I can say.. is... *I did the best that I knew*... and *today* is one of those special days that I would call it *the right time!*

*What does my Spirit says..*

Ever since I can remember I have been very aware that I have an inner self, a *Spirit*... one I can talk to and can answer me and has been my companion ever since I can remember. Many might think this is crazy but it isn't... if it was I probably would of been locked up long time ago. As all of us everyone one of us go through life... through the path we choose each day many feel they are all alone, but we are not. I will also say that whatever we choose every single day of our lives... all of our decisions in our lives is just ours, and what it comes from those choices we create our own future our own life. When we were small we had someone that will always try to tell us what is best for us and we trust in them and life seem so easy and fun...! but as we grew older we were more aware of things, of our surroundings and what we could choose for ourselves not wanting to just do what we were told it would be best for us.... then life started to become more difficult since we still had to do what we were told to do what it seem best in their eyes for us and it was not great, in fact it was awful and many times we chose to do what we wanted and many times got in trouble for making those choices. As we became more mature we had to start making our own decisions and many but many times it was not easy and then it is when I decided to listen to my *Spirit*... to converse with her and together make those choices. Many times we disagreed but me as my stubborn self did what I thought it was best and now I live the consequences from those choices. I believe strongly that there is a *God*... and that we were in His presence in Spirit before we came here to earth. I also know in my heart and Spirit that whatever I do with my life I will have to live the good and bad from all my choices and I have learned to accept it and also with the knowledge that if I have to respond for all my good and bad doings I will only have to respond to *God*. I have learned thru the years that my Spirit is very loving, that all she wants to do is good and make everyone around us *happy*... how? by always smiling... sharing our love... and thru a smile back makes my life complete.
Life has been full of trials... yes my trials which I have learn to face them and do the best that I could. It has been very easy for me to give up and just let go of life... but I can't do that... it is better to go thru life and learn from all the experiences I have to confront in my path of life.
I have learn to love life... to enjoy every single day I live, and that whatever I do of each day only *I* did it... My spirit is a *Happy* one and so thanks to that precious Spirit my self have learned to love myself and to take each day as a gift of Love and to share it with everyone because I know that if I share my love I will grow to love more.... and by loving more I contribute to this world to be a better place while we are passing through. *Thank you to my loving Spirit... and thanks to God that He gave her to me as my Eternal companion!*